Everything Seems Real
by Lady Jane's Muse
Summary: Set during 'Self Esteem' - this was a oneshot but I decided to add another chapter. Chapter 1 is from Jordan's POV, Chapter 2 is from Brian's POV
1. Chapter 1

I don't know why I spoke up in class because I make it like my policy, or something, to not do that. I just sit at the back and disappear. I think everyone was surprised to hear me speak because they all looked at me and I wished that I hadn't spoken at all but when Katimski was reading that poem it made me think…about her. I don't know much about poetry but it didn't sound like a love poem until you really listened and then you realised that it was a love poem because it was saying that love wasn't perfect but it was real. Like she's real. Just because I said that the poet, or whoever, was in love doesn't mean that I'm in love. I mean we barely know each other. We barely talk. We just…kiss. Or at least we did.

I don't know why I acted the way that I did. I mean, it's not like I care what the other guys think and, yeah, they think she's weird but everyone's weird when you think about it. Hell, Graff's weird but no one says anything about her. Then again, Graff is tight with Tino and that means she's like cool by association or something. I nearly told Tino about Angela, about the basement. We were waiting for the other guys to show up for band practice and he mentioned something about Graff. Then he asked me if I knew Angela because he had noticed they'd been hanging out together for a while but he'd never talked to her or anything. I wanted to tell him that I was the reason Angela Chase was failing geometry and that she was the reason I was still in school but it was like I just couldn't find the right words. Instead, I just told him that I didn't really know her all that well. He gave me a look, like he expected something more, and I wondered if he knew what was going on because Tino always knows what's going on but then the other Embryos arrived and he didn't say anything else.

All of this is going through my mind as I walk to my locker. Part of me hopes that when I open it I'll find a note from her saying that she forgives me but I know I won't because when I look at her she kind of looks away. I want to keep looking at her because sooner or later she will have to look back but the guys come over. I only half listen to what they're saying. It's all bullshit anyway. They never talk about anything important unless we're discussing the band. As they go on about the same old shit I realise that I really don't care what their opinion is. The fact is, while I still want to be kissing her, I also want to talk to her. I want to have actual conversations with her because anything she has to say will be ten times more interesting than anything the guys will be talking about. I know that with her it's going to be complicated and hard because of how she is and because of how I am but I have to try. As I walk over to her, part of me already knows that I am going to screw this up somehow and part of me is already prepared for her telling me to get lost but, somehow, this the fact that I'm talking to her, like in front of other people, seems to make everything okay. I don't know why I reach for her hand as we walk down the corridor but, when I do, it just feels right, and for that moment everything seems real.

A/N - I got the DVD Boxset for christmas and I'm just as much in love with Jordan Catalano as I was when I saw the programme on TV many moons ago. This is my fist attempt at fanfic for My So-Called Life so any feeback would be most appreciated. Thanks for reading. LJx


	2. Chapter 2

Last summer my parents decided to drive across the state to visit some relatives. On the way we passed a three car pile up on the highway. It looked really bad. As we passed, I knew that I should turn my head and look away but somehow I couldn't and I just stared as we crawled past at ten miles an hour. I think it was the worst thing I have ever seen in my life. I'd never felt like that before. I was horrified and fascinated at the same time, completely aware of my inability to change what I was looking at. I haven't felt like that since. Until today.

It's strange watching them come together, like in public. I've known Angela Chase since we were five years old. That's like almost a decade. That's how long I have watched her obsessing over Jordan Catalano and I've never believed that it would be more than an obsession. I mean she's Angela Chase and he's Jordan Catalano. Now it's like something is actually happening, it's becoming real. When you have an obsession about a person it takes over your whole existence and sometimes you wish that you could stop thinking about that one person because you kind of know that they are not obsessing about you in return. You know that they have other stuff on their mind and it drives you crazy. Obsessions make you feel all of these emotions that you wouldn't normally feel and they like help you grow as a person, or something, but they're private. They shouldn't actually turn into something…actual.

For English, we had to write a short story illustrating something that is Kafka-esc and it feels kind of redundant now. I mean, what I wrote in no way compares to the Kafka -esc factor in watching Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano walking down the hall holding hands. Together. What makes it worse is that our next assignment is on the sonnet that Katimski read in class today. The Sonnet that made Jordan Catalano speak in class for the first time all year. When I spoke up in class to say that Shakespeare's love had faults I knew who I was talking about But I always speak in class. It's like expected. He never speaks. Does the fact that he spoke up and now they're together mean that he was speaking about her too? Is someone like Jordan Catalano even capable of having feelings?

As they walk past me, I can't help but follow them with my eyes. She's got this stupid, goofy happy grin on her face and it's the happiest I've seen her for a long time. It's as if the simple act of him just talking to her has made her the happiest person in the world and they now exist in their own little bubble, or something, completely unaware of the looks they are getting from her friends and his friends. I know that part of me is smiling too, even though part of me feels like this is the worst possible thing that could have happened. Part of me kind of wants them to stay in their little bubble and for her to be happy. If this actually happens and her obsession becomes real, it's a good thing because if it seems real for them now then maybe one day it will seem real for me too.

a/n - thanks for reading!


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